Well clearly I've been absent. And getting fat because I weighed myself yesterday (bad idea?) and basically it's 10lbs higher than it was a few months ago. I know the scale isn't your friend, but it says something. There is no way I've gained 10lbs of muscle, and to add to that, my clothes don't fit well. I'm not comfortable at this weight and I hate my fat face. Yes all I see is a fat face and thunder thighs. SO, that being said, Whole 30 has begun today. Fuck this shit, I have 10 weeks until my vacation and I am NOT going to feel uncomfortable in whispy, light dresses or in a bathing suit. In the heat, I wear minimal things. But I can only do this when I'm not a fatty like I am now. I have no one to blame but myself for slipping on the diet front. I've eaten too many treats, croissants and drank too much alcohol this past little while. It's not continuing.

Went to crossfit this morning. Did some shoulder presses @72# and speed deadlifts @ 115#.
Exercised a bit on the GHD thing and then rowed 1000m for time. I did it in 4:11:07. Not bad.

Brunch:
2 poached eggs, smoked salmon/sweet potato hash. VERY good. I fucking love eggs. All different ways.

Got groceries. Making rogan josh tonight with cauli something or other.

I said I'd bring a dessert to my brother's Easter dinner tomorrow - oh yeah good luck to me on making good choices with all that food around. I'm sticking to it, man. I'm making the decadent chocolate cake from one of my Paleo Comfort Foods. It looks delicious I was asked to make a gluten free dessert ok? I'm not being selfish here.

I plan on slicing some fresh strawberries on it. It'll be awesome. Here is a pic from the internet of someone's successful attempt:

And, that's all I got. Oh yeah I just came back from a 6k run. That's right, I exercised twice today. Clearly I'm desperate to lose this fat. I stayed in my gym clothes all day so that I would go out running this afternoon. It worked, but now I stink and need a bath. See yuuuh.

Easter update:

I didn't stick to it like I said. I had two small glasses of red wine. 

Def ate dessert and some g-free crackers, cheese.

At least the desserts were all g-free. But not paleo. Whole 30 begins MONDAY. Narine I had a dream you had lots of chocolate treats and I was mad and told you that you were a bad influence lulz.

I didn't overdo it at the fam jam like I normally do, so that's a good thing.

My cake turned out great. It was a little bitter, I used 70-85% dark choc bars plus unsweetened bakers chocolate. Next time I'll use all 70% chocolate or mix in some less %s. The texture was dense and rich. Tasted great with the sliced strawberries on top. Might try it with salted caramel or something. The leftovers are in the freezer for another time, when we reach out weight goals.

Spring week

Spring "starts" this week. You wouldn't know it though.

Weekend summary:
Friday went to crossfit at night and had a salad with salmon after

Saturday:
Went for a 5k run
Ate eggs after
Made amazing lettuce shell tacos

Went to cousins, ate a lot of food - not all crap, just large amounts - and drank

Sunday:
breakfast was leftover taco meat
rice crackers, sour cream was eaten

Ran 5k  -37min. Gonna try and bring it to 30.

Dinner:
Fish tacos. I used frozen haddock fillets (not fishy at all), baked them first then fried them with red peppers / ginger etc. I was inspired by Gordon Ramsay making tacos saturday morning. Fucking love cooking shows, inspiration city.
Again, lettuce as the shell. Such a great idea! Man it was good. Simple too.

Fucking Monday again.

Week summary

I've been pretty good with nutrition this week, although last night was a bit boozy and I ate pub grub + chips. Frig. Also I broke my sugar free week by having 2 Werthers and 1 small chocolate egg. Not worth it.

I've been to the gym twice and I plan on going tonight too so I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. Although if I get up at a decent time naturally, I will hit it up for workout #4.

I'm glad I didn't drink too much last night, I didn't wanna feel like ass today.

I definitely need to get training for this 10k. It was the reason I signed up anyway - to get my ass out there. I just really REALLY don't like running in cold weather. But now that it stays light out later, I have no excuses. It's not THAT cold. sheeyit.

Breakfast:
2 eggs
sauteed red peppers
1/2 avocado

Lunch:
sushi

Weekend was full of food and laze.

I'm getting fatter and need to run.

Breakfast although wasn't hungry much
2 eggs, sweet potato

at work:
grande coffee

Lunch:
crock potted some eggplant strata overnight. Turned out great actually.

Dessert:
half of the Soma choc bar I got for my bday. The old style one, two ingredients: cocoa beans, sugar.

Snack:
orange

Skipped CF. Not too thrilled about the metcon, seemed boring.

While making dinner:
rice crackers
home made almond/coconut butter

Dinner:
Fish + salad

I'm gonna try and add more seafood to my life.

Mund

Sleep was shyte. Went to bed too late, woke up a few times and had to get up extra early for an 8:10 dentist appointment. Who does that??!

Breakfast:
2 eggs
spinach
1/2 avo

At work:
coffee

chocolate (paleo) macaroon. Last one. Good riddance you delicious bastards.

Lunch:
Leftover roast / cauli mash / squash

Why did I eat those onions??! I CAN NOT EAT ONIONS. Fart city. Uncomfortable gas.

Snack:
Orange

4:30
last bit of roast lunch - I didn't eat the whole thing at lunchtime.

Pre-workout:
spoonful a-butter / 1 date

Crossfit
It was goood, not crazy but good. 
80# push press, 4x5

Alright, I am not ok. I am definitely feeling depressed, more so than I have ever felt in my life. I could cry so easily it's ridiculous. I have no patience,  I am extremely irritable and I don't enjoy people's company like I used to. All I wanna do is take baths, go to crossfit, eat and sleep. Literally that is all I wanna do. I take baths like every day, no joke. Just to waste time until it's sleep time. I just sit there in the tub til my fingers get wrinkly, until all the bubbles disappear and until my brain can't handle thinking anymore. I am poor company. I don't like being this way, not at all. I look at other people and wonder what it's like to feel normal. I wonder if they actually do feel normal and if they have any idea what other people are going through, what the F goes on in their heads.

I can no longer cope with people who are so self absorbed that they only talk about themselves. They don't inquire about other people's lives, they just yap away about their own garbage boring life. I can't take it. I can't do one-sided conversations anymore. I won't. I've gone on lunch dates with friends and not once did they ask how I was. I just had to sit there and listen to them talk about the mundane events happening in their lives. But what's most important is it's about them, right? Sometimes I chime in just so they stop talking and it was funny to hear that one of my friends does that too, when they are dealing with a self-talker. It's crazy. It needs to be pointed out to these people because they have no idea they do it. It is so unattractive and it is not good company.

I constantly feel like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I reference this a lot because it is absolutely true. El-snappo Here are some examples:

I want breakfast.

Briefcase hijackers.

Bye

Sunday

FRI

Alcohol was consumed last night, as well as delicious food and some treats. See what happens when I deprive myself of sweets? I binge when I start. Fuckit. Moderation. Besides, once I start running, I'll be in slimmer town in no time.

Sleep was garb due to booze. Woke up with the sweats at what, 5am? Usual.

Breakfast:
Bacon and eggs.

At work:
yogurt and honey
coffee

Lunch:
Eggplant strata. There was one in the freezer, yay.

Crossfit tonight.